"2009 VMAs", Meet My Thoughts

I surprise myself. I didn't think I'd make it through the whole show. I thought my head would explode and you'd have to listen to our automation setting of jazz and oldies on KUR this fall. Somehow, I survived. And the awards show was interesting. We all secretly love a little drama, don't we? Here are my thoughts. I commented religiously during this extravaganza and here are my uncensored and rude remarks:

8:59 – Who’s this English VJ?

9:01 – Here we go. “Michael Jackson”. Okay already. Madonna, it’s about The King of Pop, not you.

9:02 – Nice cut to Pete Wentz falling asleep during Madonna’s speech.

9:04 – Once again, Madonna – this is not about you.

9:07 – Hey Jimmy Fallon’s here. Sweet cut to vintage MTV launch clip.

9:08 – MJ Tribute with a shit ton of dancers. Special effects on “Thriller” video look great.

9:11 – Crowd is going nuts for “Scream”. Holy shit here comes Janet. Is she lip-syncing?

9:12 – Cool dance number for Janet.

9:13 – Katy Perry is the sexiest woman alive. What’s up with Joe Perry’s white hair streak? They do “We Will Rock You”. Are they related? I’m just thinking about that now.

9:14 – Russel Brand is in the house.

9:16 – “This night is dedicated to great music videos.” Shouldn’t MTV always be dedicated to music videos? Kill me.

9:18 – This guy is getting no laughs.

9:19 – Lady Gaga scares the shit out of me.

9:21 – Pink’s still relevant? Will.I.Am’s singing.

9:22 – Shakira, at 38, is hot as hell. Their spiel is awkward.

9:23 – Lyrically, the worst written song I’ve heard all year: Kelly Clarkson’s “My Life Would Suck Without You”. Please let best female go to Katy or Taylor.

9:24 – Taylor is a deserving artist. She’s probably the most natural woman nominated. PA local (I hear she’s about 10 minutes from here).

9:25 – KANYE WTF ARE YOU DOING?!?

9:26 – HOLY SHIT. THIS AWARD SHOW JUST GOT MAD AWKWARD.

9:29 – The Buried Life looks cool.

9:33 – People on Twitter flipping a shit about Kanye.

9:34 – BEST ROCK VIDEO, HERE WE GO. Jack Black and Leighton Meester. She’s slammin’. Way to mention shitty bands, Leighton. Coldplay’s got this in the bag. I think.

9:36 – Kings are getting a great roar. Paramore makes me want to drown myself.

9:36 – Green Day wins it. “21 Guns”. I liked the video. I wonder if they still hate America. Fall Out Boy’s starting to cry.

9:37 – BILLLY JOE, YOU ARE REDEEMED FOR SAYING MTV SHOULD PLAY MORE VIDEOS.

9:38 – Hey, it’s the loser of the original Shot of Love with Tila Tequila. Taylor Swift’s in a subway, trying to get as far away from Kanye as possible. Feelings have been hurt.

9:40 – Taylor Swift is angelic. All the extras in this performance look nervous and awkward as hell. This performance is pretty cool, though.

9:42 – Holy shit, their playing Major Lazer.

9:47 – So glad 3Oh!3 weren't at the Warped Tour is Oceanport this summer. Pete Wentz and dude from Cobra Starship just made out backstage.

9:49 – Lady Gaga? What the hell is this.

9:52 – I heard somewhere that Lady Gaga is a beast on the piano. Why wouldn’t she exploit that?

9:53 – We’re back to Will.I.Am., and what’s he doing to “Viva La Vida”?

9:56 – I’ve always been a fan of the 5 Gum commercials.

9:58 – Daughtry’s coming to the Sovereign Center in Philly. I will not be attending.

9:59 – For shitty nominees, text MTVBLOWS to…whatever.

10:00 – Lady Gaga is sitting down now, covered in a cherry Fruit Roll-Up.

10:02 – The Hills makes me want to die.

10:03 – Best Pop Video. I hope Cobra wins. That song is addicting. Nelly Furtado, shut the hell up with your Spanish.

10:04 – I thought Britney Spears died. Megan Fox reminds me of Jennifer Connolly in Career Opportunities. Remember The Clash? My mind wanders…

10:05 – Green Day’s on the stage now. Are they going to burn an American flag?

10:08 – I remember when Green Day didn’t wear eyeliner.

10:09 – Good luck singing with a bunch of idiots in your face. All I can hear is “OMG I LOVE YOU.”

10:13 – I need a beer.

10:15 – Can they stop doing Real World challenges? What’s the music concept?

10:16 – Twilight preview? Vampires? This sucks. Get it?

10:20 – Ne-Yo and some dude from Gossip Girl introduce Beyonce. Awkward intro.

10:21 – See, this is how a female pop artist should dress. Gaga, take notes. Beyonce is classy and sexy.

10:24 – Can she sing Sweet Dream instead?

10:27 – Announcer says Muse, “the band everyone will be talking about tomorrow”. Ha.

10:31 – Puffy! People boo Kanye’s name, chant Taylor’s.

10:32 – Best Male Video. God Eminem is so lame. I hope Jay-Z gets it. T.I. wins.

10:34 – Guy from 300 introduces Muse. Here’s some justice. Their playing “Uprising”.

10:37 – The crowd over there loves it. As they should.

10:40 – Great performance. We’re treated to more Tracy Morgan and Em trying to get people to text their votes for Best New Artist. Surprise cameo by Cyndi Lauper. Who remembers when Tom Green did this back in the day? Hysterical.

10:47 – What the hell is on the dude from All American Rejects’ chest? J-Lo is still alive.

10:48 – Best Hip Hop Video. “Love Lockdown” was actually a good music video. I don’t care who wins, just no Em, please. Or Asher Roth. I heard he was the biggest loser in West Chester.

10:49 – Shit. Slim takes the moon man. He looks like Sinead O’Connor right now. He shows signs of maturity on stage. Maybe I got this guy all wrong. …Don’t think so.

10:51 – Overall, horrible production quality of this show. DJ AM is remembered.

10:55 – Where The Wild Things Are trailer is played in the commercials. Arcade Fire’s “Wake Up” seems fitting.

10:59 – Lady Gaga wins the Best New Artist Award. God, she’s creepy.

11:00 – Pink hits the stage. I think I’m going to go to the bathroom.

11:03 – Didn’t someone else wear a tassel like this at the VMA’s a few years ago? I remember it being very awkward. For the love of Christ, she’s on a trapeze.

11:11 – I’ll make a wish: I wish Kanye West gets his ass kicked.

11:12 – Fallon and Sandberg love Boyz II Men. Video Of The Year is up now. Here’s the big one.

11:13 – Beyonce wins it for “Single Ladies”. Happy Kanye?

11:14 – SHE INVITES TAYLOR OUT! OH THE HOOPLA! Now “she gets her moment”. They’re both in red. Gaga is shown with a nest around her face.

11:15 – Taylor took this whole thing in stride. But even Beyonce knows what Kanye did was so dick.

11:22 – Jay-Z arrives. Alicia Keys will be performing with him. Brand calls him the “mayor of New York”. I liked Alicia Keys in the Common music video for “I Want You”. My mind is wandering again.

11:26 – This is a big pro-NYC performance.

11:29 – What is this, a MJ movie preview? I think everyone at this show owes a huge debt to The King of Pop for paving the way. Oh, Michael Jackson’s This Is It.

11:31 – Brand says peace and we are done.

Overall – it was a typical MTV awards show in the later 00s. Take that as you will. Music videos are dead. Kanye West sucks. Goodnight.

UPDATE: That guy I said was "Will.I.Am.", is actually some guy named Wale. My bad. Also Kanye apologized to the world for what he did, but that still doesn't redeem himself.